And now, for something completely bonkers.

MakingStarWars postasi tänään listan väitteitä Episode VII:n juonesta, jonka julkaisi käsikirjoituksen toisen luonnoksen lukeneena esiintynyt käyttäjä 4chanissa jo maaliskuun lopussa. Lasse taas vinkkasi minulle viime viikonloppuna kahden samalla agendalla esiintyneen 4chan-käyttäjän vastaavista listoista (kiitos!). Näihin tavallisimmat SW-huhuajat eivät näytä (vielä?) tarttuneen.

For the record: en usko kenenkään näistä kirjoittajista oikeasti lukeneen käsikirjoitusta. Yksikään kirjoittaja ei esimerkiksi nimeä päähahmoja, minkä luulisi käyvän ilmi käsikirjoituksen sirpaleistakin.

On toki mahdollista, että joku näistä kirjoittajista esimerkiksi työskentelee Pinewoodin studioilla, tai muuten tietää jotain väitteidensä tueksi. MSW:n lainaaman, maaliskuussa kirjoittaneen käyttäjän väitteistä sen verran moni sopii yhteen paljon myöhemmin esiin nousseiden huhujen kanssa, että kirjoittajalla saattaa olla jonkinlaisia lähteitä. Viikonlopun kirjoittajat sen sijaan saattavat yksinkertaisesti summata ja spekuloida tähänastisten huhujen pohjalta – ja siinä mielessä ne saattavat sitten osua oikeaankin. (Ja kolmas kirjoittaja on sitten kyllä jo ihan selvä trolli.)

Lukekaa siis omalla vastuulla – teoriassa on mahdollista, että nämä spoilaavat paljonkin, mutta. Kopioin väitteita joka tapauksessa nyt tähän.

Kirjoittaja #1, 31.3.2014:

• Leia is made leader of the Republic after her predecessor’s death
• Han is a retired veteran of the Republic fleet
• Luke hasn’t been seen in nearly 30 years
• the lead character is Han and Leia’s daughter
• the other lead is the child of Lando, and either a male or female depending on who is cast
• the other lead is a Stormtrooper, also either a male or female depending on who is cast
• Luke has no known offspring
• The Empire still exists in the form of a number of loyal galaxies and are in a state of cold war with the Republic. The Empire is simply referred to as the ”Empire,” and the Republic is referred to formally only once, as the ”Galactic Republic;” no ”New” anywhere
• There are no Jedi whatsoever, and people still speak as if they are extinct, with Luke being ”the last of his kind”
• The main antagonists are an older student of the Emperor, and his apprentice. The apprentice takes control of the power dynamic between the two pretty quickly…
• The Republic are excavating ruins on a neutral world for a weapon; the world factors into tense negotiations the Empire have had with the Republic, and is referred to as the ”Sith Homeworld”. The ruins within the Sith Homeworld are a control station; the planet itself is the weapon
• Loredump: In the script, the Sith are a couple thousand years old, founded by an ancestor of Palpatine called Ruin; the apprentice in this film also goes by that name
• Luke saves the day at the end, but in a bad way; he has changed

Kirjoittaja #2, 28.6.2014:

• The Siths come back, there’s a new Chosen One, and Han Solo dies.
• They don’t reveal who [the new chosen one] is. Just that he or she is out there, and they need to find whoever it is. It’s the cliffhanger.
• There are alien witches that worship the Force, and they are working with an offshoot of the Empire that can use the Force with their help, but it leaves them deformed because they are not ”worthy” of it. Basically, the Force is connected to all living beings, but only a few can wield it. A massive act of cruelty tips the scale in favor of the Dark Side, so the offshoot destroys a new planet called Avelax, which is the base of a struggling new republic, and the Dark Side gains force, allowing the Emperor’s apprentice to recruit more Siths.
• John Boyega is the new protagonist, a mercenary working for the Jedi Hunters that crash-lands in Tatooine and is rescued by Luke’s daughter played by Daisy Ridley. He joins Han’s search party for Luke, but ends up falling for Daisy and finding out he’s a Jedi.
• Oscar Isaac is Han’s protege who doesn’t trust Boyega. He’s an ace pilot and his brother played by Dohmhall Gleeson is an expert inventor.
• Adam Driver is the Emperor’s secret protege, and Lupita N’yongo and David Oyelowo are Jedi Hunters. Gwendoline Christie is the leader of the Force Witches.
• Andy Serkis is mo-capping an alien the heroes make friends with along the way, and Max Von Sydow is playing a very minor wise man who teaches Boyega about the Force.
• Simon Pegg’s cameo is a con man who steals Boyega’s ship in Tatooine.
• Luke spends most of the movie captured and Leia is barely in it.
• They are captured by the Jedi Hunters, the planet is destroyed, and the Emperor’s apprentice begins rebuilding the Sith. John Boyega harnesses the Force, gets himself a lightsaber and fights Lupita, who is deadly. Meanwhile, the other heroes escape and steal one of the Jedi Hunters’ ships to evade them, while Han recovers the Millenium Falcon and draws the Jedi Hunters’ fire so the other ship slips by unnoticed. John Boyega beats Lupita, but is then overpowered by Adam Driver. The kids reveal themselves to rescue him, and the Jedi Hunters open fire on them. To ensure their escape, Han rams the Millenium Falcon into the Jedi Hunters’ hideout and it explodes, killing most of them, except for Driver and Christie. His last words are ”Never tell me the odds”.
• The Jedi Hunters are not ”official” Siths, so they have ”blank” lightsabers that turn red when they use it because they’re leeching off the Dark Side energy given off by the Force Witches. Luke’s lightsaber is green, and John Boyege gets his hands on a blank lightsaber in the end that turns blue in his hands. The blade adapts to the side of the Force whoever has it wields. It’s a new technology made especifically for these Force leechers.

Kirjoittaja #3, 29.6.2014:

• Han Solo dies.
• Black kid is the new chosen one.
• Luke has to do some sort of time travel bullshit and go back in time to impregnate Shimi so he can bring balance back to the force.
• Max von Sydow plays a successor to Palpatine and Adam Driver is his protoge, Han pretty much kills Sydow’s character(who is the main nemesis of 7) by driving the Millennium Falcon into his base. Chewie mourns him by growling sadly and Driver’s character swears revenge on Luke’s party for the death of his master.
• Sith don’t use the rule of two anymore and are growing more in number. They pretty much return to power by the end of episode seven.
• Black kid becomes a Jedi master while the girl playing Leia’s daughter turns to the dark side.

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